Trapped between two worlds

Times are changing...or have changed...and the modern mommy is rarely the stay-at-home wife that soley cares for the family and home these days.  We are busy, working moms that have just as much pressure to bring home the bacon as the men in our lives.  Growing up I had a strong motivation to become a self-sufficient, educated woman with dependable skills that I could always use to earn a living.  I worked hard to get to university and had big plans for my career.  At the same time I always knew I would be a mom and I just assumed that would happen along the way.  The thing is I didn’t realize then that these two worlds don’t really mesh super well together all the time.  I had all these images from TV and other media of the working mom and it seemed doable, but no one gave me the real inside scoop about the whole deal.  Furthermore, I don’t think I ever really thought I had another choice.  Everybody works, moms included.  You juggle it but mange.  That being said, if I knew then what I know now I probably would have made some different decisions when I was making some of those big school and career decisions years ago.

I love being a Social Worker and I’m good at it, but most of all I love being a mom and value that “occupation” way more than anything else in my life.  Both are challenging at times and require me to give so much of myself that I am left feeling very drained.  The problem is I can’t afford to have this long exhausting day where I dedicate so much of my energy to helping my clients and then come home exhausted.  I need enough physical and emotional energy left to serve my children and be the best front line worker I can be at home.  So on the one hand I want to be a committed housewife that is 100% focused on my family but on the other hand I know I really want to develop my career and be in the community as a dedicated professional. 

The thing is, this clash of two worlds goes way beyond the “doing” part.  It goes even deeper than that.  Here I am, a Social Worker; a feminist activist in the community and world, fighting every day to break down socio-political barriers that enforce stereotypes and inequality.  Yet, I clearly am still affected by these old school ideologies about a woman's role.  I have these contemporary views about how I, as a woman, can be powerful, educated and independent but I kind of innately just want to be this dedicated mom whose life revolves solely around her family, cooking and cleaning.  Sometime I wish that my only worries were about supper that evening, and the kids playing nicely together, and keeping up with the gardening.  Instead, I not only worry about those things but I also worry about job security, future career moves, skills development, leaving work on time, keeping up with case notes, budgets, client crisis’s, performance evaluations, etc, etc, etc.    

I wear many hats in a day and now have plenty to worry about when I try to merge these worlds.  There are so many roles and responsibilities in both.  On the home front, I`m a dynamo mom, loving wife, house cleaner, kid entertainer, milk supplier, baby grower, caretaker, chef, chauffer, and the list goes on.  Isn’t that enough?  There is a lot of pressure trying to keep up with all of this and that’s considering I have a helpful husband who is actively involved in parenting and keeping the home. 

So I’m not really sure where I’m going with all of this.  The thing is, I do feel a bit trapped between two worlds.