It's not if you fall, it's if you get up again.

Liam and I were playing upstairs tonight.  Liam ran from room to room exploring and making a mess.  He decided it was time to go downstairs so I got in front of him and sat on the top step.  I reached out my arms to scoop him up and like butter he slipped right through and went down the stairs on an imaginary bobsled.  He rolled from front to back and landed on the floor sprawled out and crying.  I almost fell down the stairs just trying to get to him as quickly as I could.  I scooped him right up and held him close.  I had his pacifier in hand which gave him instant comfort and he stopped crying immediately.  He rested his head on my shoulder and held on tight.  This was by far the scariest thing that has happened to him in his one year existence.  I examined his body and waited for the swelling to happen.  Sure enough his right cheek became red as a cherry and his left brow as well.  A little floor burn on his back but everything else seemed ok.  After some cuddles with Daddy I brought him to his room to get him ready for bed.  I ran my hands up and down his limbs and he just giggled.  He drank his bottle and smiled at me as usual while I rocked him.  He handed me the bottle saying “da” and then yet again curled into my neck as I padded his back.  “I’m sorry...I’m sorry” I kept whispering into his ear.  He didn’t seem to care.  He even played in bed for awhile making his happy baby sounds over the monitor.  Now he’s peacefully sleeping.

But I am not at peace.  I’m riddled with guilt.  I’m embarrassed and mortified.  I keep playing it out in my head.  What happened?  It was just a couple seconds.  Everything went blurry.  I see him falling with the panicked look on his face.  Was I not paying close enough attention?  Doing too many things at once?  Being sloppy with my safety precautions?  His body is bruised.  What will it look like by morning?  I’ll have that as a clear reminder of this terrible accident tomorrow and for days to come.  I want to cry but tears won’t come.  I’m in shock.  I down play it briefly so Hal doesn’t worry.  But inside I’m freaking out.  I keep thinking I shouldn’t have picked him up so quickly.  I could have caused so much more harm if he had been seriously injured.  That was a stupid move even though it was instinctual.  I know accidents happen.  It’s not the first time one of my kids has hurt themselves.  This was the most terrifying accident though. 

The worst is over in the physical sense but my mind will be traumatized by the aftermath thoughts.  What if....?  I can’t type those thoughts now.  Those thoughts are too painful.  Flashbacks of my initial fears when I first became pregnant with Sam are flooding back.  I went to counselling then to help process these intense fears that came about when I realized that I would be bringing another human being into this scary world of ours.  I knew then that I would be a great mom.  The best I could be at least.  But even great moms can't protect a child from every accident, disaster, and harmful thing of this world.  There is so much out of my control.  I know too much of the traumatic events that have crippled the men I work with; the experiences that were out of their control.  I have seen the destructive ways that they have coped with their overwhelming emotions and painful memories.  I have seen many die from their pain.  Oh great, now their faces are flooding my thoughts...  That’s a lot to handle.  My insides are vibrating.  I’m taking a break.

* * *

Ok, feeling better.  Deep breaths.  Cuddles, stories and tower building with Sam.  Long gazes at sleeping Liam and finally a prepared bowl of ice cream.   Compassionate self talk...here goes. 

Amanda, you’re a good mom.  Liam had an accident.  It’s not your fault.  He’s resilient.  You helped make him that way.  That makes him different then the men you work with.  You can’t protect your children all the time.  Sometimes bad things happen but we can get through anything as a family.  You are a big part of that foundation.  You are solid and dependable.  You give your kids strength, comfort and unconditional love.  Those are the tools they need to get through this tough world.  It won’t be Liam’s last fall.  There will be many more that will leave more than just bruises on his cheek.  Perhaps, his heart will be broken one day.  He will feel painful things.  But he will be as resilient (if not more) then as he is now.  Your love is healing – both for him and yourself.  

Now to eat my ice cream, read this over about 10 times and I’m then off to bed.  Tomorrow is a new day.