You lose some...

I had a crappy day at work today.  A client that I have been working with for two months relapsed last night.  I didn’t see it coming and it made me doubt my intuition and skills as a counsellor.  I thought back to our last session just yesterday morning and I remembered something we talked about briefly.  He mentioned that he enjoyed University more than anything because of the rewards and validation you get when you’re in school.  You show up to class, study hard and get tested and then you actually get this tangible grade back that reflects the work you put into your education.  At the end of it you get a certificate, a title, and for him, a sentimental grad ring. 

But the rest of life isn’t really like that.  We don’t get a lot of concrete validation and certainly no grade that says whether we are “passing” or not.  I don’t get a report card that says I passed when Sam tests my patience or a certificate when I get through a night of sleep training with Liam.  My application didn’t get approved to be a wife or mom, and I don’t get a grade for parenting.  And you know what, I work with the most challenging demographic and I can’t think of a single client that I have worked with in 7 years that is still sober today.  The relapse rate for that population is over 90%...  So ya, I get discouraged sometimes.  But then I remind myself that the results aren’t found in some sort of outcome.  There are rewards to my hard work all along the journey but sometimes I have to look deep to find them.  My validation comes from those little moments of hope, connection and openness. 

Sam behaves better at daycare than at home sometimes but that only speaks of the trust that he has with us to test boundaries and behaviours knowing that he will be loved no matter what.  Plus, although many of my clients relapse, many more return to ask for help again and again and again.  They do this because they know myself, the program and the organization will always accept them, will always listen compassionately and will never judge them.  Sometimes clients stay in my program for such a short period of time but just long enough to come in to my office and have a good cry.  They felt safe enough to briefly let their guard down before they return to the street to use and keep numbing the pain.  Hal and I bicker at each other and get so frustrated sometimes but that makes me love him even more.  Our love is unconditional and holds up through the good times and the bad.  Even on the most exhausting days, my kids make me smile and laugh.  They are turning into such beautiful human beings and I know Hal and I play a part in that.  I am growing life inside me and it’s so exhausting sometimes but is the most angelic thing a human being can do. 

I feel better now.   I guess I gained more than I lost today.