It's not if you fall, it's if you get up again.

Liam and I were playing upstairs tonight.  Liam ran from room to room exploring and making a mess.  He decided it was time to go downstairs so I got in front of him and sat on the top step.  I reached out my arms to scoop him up and like butter he slipped right through and went down the stairs on an imaginary bobsled.  He rolled from front to back and landed on the floor sprawled out and crying.  I almost fell down the stairs just trying to get to him as quickly as I could.  I scooped him right up and held him close.  I had his pacifier in hand which gave him instant comfort and he stopped crying immediately.  He rested his head on my shoulder and held on tight.  This was by far the scariest thing that has happened to him in his one year existence.  I examined his body and waited for the swelling to happen.  Sure enough his right cheek became red as a cherry and his left brow as well.  A little floor burn on his back but everything else seemed ok.  After some cuddles with Daddy I brought him to his room to get him ready for bed.  I ran my hands up and down his limbs and he just giggled.  He drank his bottle and smiled at me as usual while I rocked him.  He handed me the bottle saying “da” and then yet again curled into my neck as I padded his back.  “I’m sorry...I’m sorry” I kept whispering into his ear.  He didn’t seem to care.  He even played in bed for awhile making his happy baby sounds over the monitor.  Now he’s peacefully sleeping.

But I am not at peace.  I’m riddled with guilt.  I’m embarrassed and mortified.  I keep playing it out in my head.  What happened?  It was just a couple seconds.  Everything went blurry.  I see him falling with the panicked look on his face.  Was I not paying close enough attention?  Doing too many things at once?  Being sloppy with my safety precautions?  His body is bruised.  What will it look like by morning?  I’ll have that as a clear reminder of this terrible accident tomorrow and for days to come.  I want to cry but tears won’t come.  I’m in shock.  I down play it briefly so Hal doesn’t worry.  But inside I’m freaking out.  I keep thinking I shouldn’t have picked him up so quickly.  I could have caused so much more harm if he had been seriously injured.  That was a stupid move even though it was instinctual.  I know accidents happen.  It’s not the first time one of my kids has hurt themselves.  This was the most terrifying accident though. 

The worst is over in the physical sense but my mind will be traumatized by the aftermath thoughts.  What if....?  I can’t type those thoughts now.  Those thoughts are too painful.  Flashbacks of my initial fears when I first became pregnant with Sam are flooding back.  I went to counselling then to help process these intense fears that came about when I realized that I would be bringing another human being into this scary world of ours.  I knew then that I would be a great mom.  The best I could be at least.  But even great moms can't protect a child from every accident, disaster, and harmful thing of this world.  There is so much out of my control.  I know too much of the traumatic events that have crippled the men I work with; the experiences that were out of their control.  I have seen the destructive ways that they have coped with their overwhelming emotions and painful memories.  I have seen many die from their pain.  Oh great, now their faces are flooding my thoughts...  That’s a lot to handle.  My insides are vibrating.  I’m taking a break.

* * *

Ok, feeling better.  Deep breaths.  Cuddles, stories and tower building with Sam.  Long gazes at sleeping Liam and finally a prepared bowl of ice cream.   Compassionate self talk...here goes. 

Amanda, you’re a good mom.  Liam had an accident.  It’s not your fault.  He’s resilient.  You helped make him that way.  That makes him different then the men you work with.  You can’t protect your children all the time.  Sometimes bad things happen but we can get through anything as a family.  You are a big part of that foundation.  You are solid and dependable.  You give your kids strength, comfort and unconditional love.  Those are the tools they need to get through this tough world.  It won’t be Liam’s last fall.  There will be many more that will leave more than just bruises on his cheek.  Perhaps, his heart will be broken one day.  He will feel painful things.  But he will be as resilient (if not more) then as he is now.  Your love is healing – both for him and yourself.  

Now to eat my ice cream, read this over about 10 times and I’m then off to bed.  Tomorrow is a new day.

We're having a girl!

We just found out we are having a girl!  We are so excited.  Like many parents, I went into this ultrasound appointment thinking I will be happy with whatever I find out and this was honestly the full truth.  That being said, I was happiEST when I heard those words “it’s a girl” and I don’t feel guilty saying it.  My heart jumped with joy.  As a woman, I just have these visions of raising another strong, empowered, beautiful woman.  I think about all of these specific female experiences, thoughts and needs that I had as a girl growing up and I get excited just thinking about using that experience to guide my own little girl through similar chapters of her life.  As thrilled as I am, I am also terrified because I know what I know about growing up as a girl.  This morning I was in the basement with the kids and discovered a box full of my old diaries.  I stopped everything I was doing and just began to read.  I was 10 years old when I first began journaling and I’m amazed at the kind of thoughts I wrote down.  Insightful reflections, naive assumptions, funny developmental questions; and it made me think about my little baby girl.  She too will have her first period, first boyfriend, first kiss, first FRENCH kiss, first breakup and so on.  Her boobs will grow and she’ll want to shave her legs and put makeup on.  We’ll have arguments about her sassiness and her outfits. 

Oddly, I know that my boys are going to have many firsts as well and Hal and I have talked about those many times.  We wonder how we will react to them and what we’ll say/do.  But my thoughts are different now that I know I’m having a girl.  I suppose because I can really relate more.  I know my own personal experiences and thoughts as a girl and feel I’ll be able to connect more with those parenting moments while she hits similar milestones.  I’m excited and nervous.

Putting gender aside, I wonder what her personality will be like.  I also wonder how being the third child will influence her character development.  How lucky is she to have these two older brothers looking out for her...and how unlucky she will be to have these two older brothers always taunting her.  Sam is so sensitive and Liam is a tease.  What will she be?

unconditional love

Sam wanted a special treat after eating breakfast this weekend and of course I said no.  He began to stomp his little foot and pout and then broke out into a full-out cry.  He pleaded and whined and collapsed to the floor.  I pulled out the serious mom voice and gave him a stern warning that if he continued on like this he would go in a timeout.  The warning worked mostly and he started to accept that fact that he was not going to get a special treat.  He got up off the floor and gave me the stink eye for about 30 seconds.  I couldn’t make eye contact so I just looked at the dirty dishes I was cleaning and kept my peripheral vision on him.  Then he said, “Mommy, I am very angry with you because you didn't give me a special treat but if you give me a vitamin I will hug you again.”  I smiled at him, told him that it was ok if he felt angry now but I will give him a vitamin and I would love to hug him too.  Out comes the vitamin from the cupboard and he wraps his arms around my legs and gives me a long hug.  He says, “It’s ok that you didn’t give me a special treat Mommy, I still love you” and scurries off to the basement.  I shout out after him, “And I will ALWAYS love you Sammy!” 

Is that not the best example of unconditional love?  I know that in 15 years we’ll be having similar conversations about borrowing the car or cash or something, and I hope it plays out somewhat similarly then too.  Well, actually I hope he doesn’t throw himself on the floor crying then, but I’ll take the hug and “I love you anyways, Mum.”  

Now, for any of you moms reading this that are raising or have already raised teenagers, please don’t bust my bubble.  I’d like to naively believe for the next 10 years that my experiences of “tough love” with teenage-Sammy will be as lovely as this moment with present-day-Sammy and I’m fine with just being shocked and disappointed then.

You lose some...

I had a crappy day at work today.  A client that I have been working with for two months relapsed last night.  I didn’t see it coming and it made me doubt my intuition and skills as a counsellor.  I thought back to our last session just yesterday morning and I remembered something we talked about briefly.  He mentioned that he enjoyed University more than anything because of the rewards and validation you get when you’re in school.  You show up to class, study hard and get tested and then you actually get this tangible grade back that reflects the work you put into your education.  At the end of it you get a certificate, a title, and for him, a sentimental grad ring. 

But the rest of life isn’t really like that.  We don’t get a lot of concrete validation and certainly no grade that says whether we are “passing” or not.  I don’t get a report card that says I passed when Sam tests my patience or a certificate when I get through a night of sleep training with Liam.  My application didn’t get approved to be a wife or mom, and I don’t get a grade for parenting.  And you know what, I work with the most challenging demographic and I can’t think of a single client that I have worked with in 7 years that is still sober today.  The relapse rate for that population is over 90%...  So ya, I get discouraged sometimes.  But then I remind myself that the results aren’t found in some sort of outcome.  There are rewards to my hard work all along the journey but sometimes I have to look deep to find them.  My validation comes from those little moments of hope, connection and openness. 

Sam behaves better at daycare than at home sometimes but that only speaks of the trust that he has with us to test boundaries and behaviours knowing that he will be loved no matter what.  Plus, although many of my clients relapse, many more return to ask for help again and again and again.  They do this because they know myself, the program and the organization will always accept them, will always listen compassionately and will never judge them.  Sometimes clients stay in my program for such a short period of time but just long enough to come in to my office and have a good cry.  They felt safe enough to briefly let their guard down before they return to the street to use and keep numbing the pain.  Hal and I bicker at each other and get so frustrated sometimes but that makes me love him even more.  Our love is unconditional and holds up through the good times and the bad.  Even on the most exhausting days, my kids make me smile and laugh.  They are turning into such beautiful human beings and I know Hal and I play a part in that.  I am growing life inside me and it’s so exhausting sometimes but is the most angelic thing a human being can do. 

I feel better now.   I guess I gained more than I lost today.

Trapped between two worlds

Times are changing...or have changed...and the modern mommy is rarely the stay-at-home wife that soley cares for the family and home these days.  We are busy, working moms that have just as much pressure to bring home the bacon as the men in our lives.  Growing up I had a strong motivation to become a self-sufficient, educated woman with dependable skills that I could always use to earn a living.  I worked hard to get to university and had big plans for my career.  At the same time I always knew I would be a mom and I just assumed that would happen along the way.  The thing is I didn’t realize then that these two worlds don’t really mesh super well together all the time.  I had all these images from TV and other media of the working mom and it seemed doable, but no one gave me the real inside scoop about the whole deal.  Furthermore, I don’t think I ever really thought I had another choice.  Everybody works, moms included.  You juggle it but mange.  That being said, if I knew then what I know now I probably would have made some different decisions when I was making some of those big school and career decisions years ago.

I love being a Social Worker and I’m good at it, but most of all I love being a mom and value that “occupation” way more than anything else in my life.  Both are challenging at times and require me to give so much of myself that I am left feeling very drained.  The problem is I can’t afford to have this long exhausting day where I dedicate so much of my energy to helping my clients and then come home exhausted.  I need enough physical and emotional energy left to serve my children and be the best front line worker I can be at home.  So on the one hand I want to be a committed housewife that is 100% focused on my family but on the other hand I know I really want to develop my career and be in the community as a dedicated professional. 

The thing is, this clash of two worlds goes way beyond the “doing” part.  It goes even deeper than that.  Here I am, a Social Worker; a feminist activist in the community and world, fighting every day to break down socio-political barriers that enforce stereotypes and inequality.  Yet, I clearly am still affected by these old school ideologies about a woman's role.  I have these contemporary views about how I, as a woman, can be powerful, educated and independent but I kind of innately just want to be this dedicated mom whose life revolves solely around her family, cooking and cleaning.  Sometime I wish that my only worries were about supper that evening, and the kids playing nicely together, and keeping up with the gardening.  Instead, I not only worry about those things but I also worry about job security, future career moves, skills development, leaving work on time, keeping up with case notes, budgets, client crisis’s, performance evaluations, etc, etc, etc.    

I wear many hats in a day and now have plenty to worry about when I try to merge these worlds.  There are so many roles and responsibilities in both.  On the home front, I`m a dynamo mom, loving wife, house cleaner, kid entertainer, milk supplier, baby grower, caretaker, chef, chauffer, and the list goes on.  Isn’t that enough?  There is a lot of pressure trying to keep up with all of this and that’s considering I have a helpful husband who is actively involved in parenting and keeping the home. 

So I’m not really sure where I’m going with all of this.  The thing is, I do feel a bit trapped between two worlds.