A mild case of Pre-Partum Depression

I struggle with pre-partum depression.  I’ve had this experience with all three pregnancies.  It starts around half way through the pregnancy it seems to get progressively more intense as the weeks go on.  When I was pregnant with Sam I didn’t have a clue I was experiencing depression.  I figured it was a mix of hormones and being whiney from all the uncomfortable pregnancy symptoms.  But after he was born I felt a weight lifted from my shoulders.  A darkness removed and joyfulness again.  Things were tough taking care of a new born though.  I was breastfeeding for the first time and got cracked, bleeding nipples.  I lost way more sleep with a baby then I did when I was pregnant and I no longer had the opportunity to just rest when I wanted to. I had terrible back pain still and would experience momentary paralysis if I moved a certain way at times.  Yet, despite these discomforts and challenges I was still happier than when I was pregnant.  Life moved on and I never really thought more about it.  The pregnancy was in the past and not worth analysing.  

Then I got pregnant again with Liam.  Sure enough, just about half way through I began to feel down and out.  I was not only not enjoying being pregnant anymore but just not enjoying.  I began to feel disconnected with Sam and walked and talked like a zombie.  I went through the motions of play with him but I was barely present.  When I was around people (especially chipper people who were excited about the pregnancy and would rub my belly and ooooh and aaaah about my pregnant body) I would put on a pretty good front and smile.  People would talk about my pregnancy glow and I would say that I feel great and that I’m so excited about this baby.  I can for sure say that I have looked forward to meeting each of my children and have bonded with them all while they were inside of me.  However, the feeling of excitement is not something that I genuinely could express most days.  In my heart, I was happy and I had all sorts of positive thoughts about making a baby and growing my family.  It’s just the expression part that seemed to be lacking.  Again, it was like I was trapped in a zombie – a very good zombie actress.  

After Liam was born it was like I was reborn myself.  He came out of me like a bullet and within 30-40 minutes of him being delivered my uterus had shrunk right up, he was breast fed and asleep in my arms and I was gearing to get out of bed.  I got to my feet feeling like Wonder Woman.  Hal held Liam and I went to the bathroom and saw myself in the mirror for what seemed to be the first time in months.  I smiled and thought to myself “there you are!”  I moved my body freely and easily and quickly.  I was not a wilted, sluggish zombie anymore!  I held Liam non-stop that day and felt genuinely excited to be with him.  That’s when the thoughts started to emerge about depression.  Suddenly, I could see it more clearly.  That was not just hormones.  That was not just being uncomfortably pregnant.  I think...ya, I think that was depression.  

Now here I am again.  Pregnant and almost at the end.  It is even more evident now that pre-partum depression is a part of my pregnancy experience.  I’m kinda miserable on the inside and my awareness of it doesn’t make it much better.  I mean I have days that are better than others and sometimes I have really, really bad days.  Talk about feeling disconnected from my kids.  I have no tolerance, I yell a lot, I’m impatient and I am a zombie again.  I wish I could be alone a lot.  I cry an awful lot in privacy too.  Activities that normally make me happy don’t really bring me as much joy.  Although part of me wants to socialize, I struggle to find motivation to get out of the house and connect with people.  I force myself to do things that I know are good for me.  Even eating and showering seem to be chores.  I have these moments where I can get around and move like a human.  I have moments where my kids really do make me laugh and smile from the heart.  There are moments where I look into Hal’s eyes and don’t want to smack him.  I’m grateful for those moments.  But I must be honest, there are many moments where I want to crawl in a cave and hibernate until I’m ready to deliver and that Wonder Woman feeling returns...assuming it will like in the past.

So that's it.  That's me and pregnancy.  It's not roses and butterflies...  But it's temporary and worth it.  I have learned that pre-partum depression is just as common as post-partum depression but not talked about that much.  So I wanted to talk about it today.  I'd say my case is mild...although I have nothing to compare it too.  Yet another challenge to overcome and learn from in life as a parent.